On the occasion of my 65th birthday my eldest son sent me a link to the New York Times Games app for Wordle. You know it as the cultish daily challenge designed to show off vocabulary in youth and keep the brain working well in, well, less than youth. I can take a hint. To date, I am undefeated against all manner of five letter words but hold no illusion that it will last. Wordle, like Father Time, eventually wins.
As for its vocab cousin “Connections” I ran out of attempts once but am holding my own. I’ll let you know when it all goes south… if I can remember to. This NYT teaser supplies sixteen words to be riddled into four groups of four. Easy enough, except it’s not. I have found that when stuck, identifying words that don’t seem at all similar present an unexpected path forward. Let’s look at a couple and see how it goes.
Frustration. Serenity.
These diametrically opposed terms do share one common trait; these polar conditions are both connected to one’s grasp on what they can and cannot expect to control. For the record, influence and control are two different things, not just degrees of imposition. And I have come to believe that the only thing we can reliably control is how we respond to the many things that we cannot control. While understanding this will not guarantee serenity, the failure to fathom it pretty much assures frustration, the predictable progeny of unrealistic expectations. Start at frustration and trace it back and you will find yourself where you began, out of control. I have had way too much experience at this to deny it. And yet…
To demonstrate this, consider two complementary takes on the acronym “UFO” that are far more commonly observed than any Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena. (I am thankful to Max Lucado for providing this templet for us to build on.)
“U” stands for “Unrealistic Expectations.” Go ahead and make your list. Everyone behaving as you think they ought to. Co-workers who without fail do what they are supposed to do when and how they are supposed to do it – according to you. Politicians acting in the people’s interest. Considerate drivers consistently practicing courtesy and safety. Expecting demonstratively deficient people to make an emotionally charged situation better, or at least not worse.
“U” get the idea.
“U” can also stand for Untruth. That’s not telling a lie but believing something to be true when it is not. It can be as benign as a misunderstanding, as malignant as an ugly prejudice, or the spreading of a narrative steeped in selfish intent and misrepresentation. We usually just call those lies. The old Broadway tune reminds us that we can be “carefully taught” to hold onto unhelpful notions that become truth to us, even when it is not. And there are plenty of people ready to provide you with those 24/7.
“F” is for - you got it – Frustration, that irritable feeling that raises blood pressure while reducing capacity for cogent thought and vocal restraint. Vexation can find a voice without saying a word. The other “F” on this report card is “False Narrative.” It is easy to adopt a version of things that is just plain wrong or at least lacks perspective. And once we do, folks rarely back up or back down. That is unfortunate. Because most people won’t accept a narrative they are not prepared to live with or one that requires admitting to being wrong, short sighted, hasty, or misguided. That wall is hard top climb.
Then comes “O”, as in outrage and outrageous behavior. We offer a pound of response for an ounce of offense. Get hysterical and historical. Volume up, filters down. If you sense a tender spot, go for it. They deserve it and you have every right to drill down on it. And if the source of the frustration is not around, go ahead and take it out on someone else. Or just howl at the moon till you feel better. Here’s a hint; when you do, you won’t. Overreaction is the order of the day as we carelessly go down roads we know are best left untraveled and the point of no return is closer than we think. We have acted from full on frustration and serenity is nowhere in sight.
Here's a common and comical example of a UFO in full flight. Our team is the best and should win every Saturday. If they don’t coach is an idiot, the players don’t care, and I know football better than all of them and will tell that, loudly, to anyone who will listen. We love it when people yell about online and on the radio and will say vile things to and about folks who sport other colors. And our mood stays sour until Saturday brings another shot at redemption. If it doesn’t, rinse and repeat.
I was well into my thirties before I figured out having my joy and happiness determined by what a nineteen-year-old does or doesn’t do on a given gameday - something clearly out of my control - was not a good way to live. Confession: I can still stand reminders on occasion.
Sound familiar? Ring true? See the pattern? Is UFO beginning to make sense? I hope so.
Rudyard Kipling seemed fairly serene when he famously suggested that mature people are the ones who “Keep their heads while those about are losing theirs.” We seem more apt to opine “If you can remain calm in times like these, you obviously have no idea what is going on.” While that may be how we are comfortable living, there is a road that can carry from frustration to serenity. And there’s a map to go with it.
In Philippians 6 Paul tells some awfully UFO afflicted people to “Not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Quick synopsis. Overcome being overly upset by applying these principles to every situation. Pray first and do so from a posture of gratitude, not entitlement. Learn to feel at home in God’s peace which, through Christ will transcend and protect us from our untrustworthy thoughts and feelings.
Then Paul says to pay attention to what we pay attention to. Instead of focusing on our problems, which are often of our own creation, he tells us to shift our thoughts to better places. Places marked by truth, and not just our version of it. Think on pure and lovely things. Dwell on whatever seems excellent and worthy of both admiration and praise.
As we do, (If we do) frustration will go down and serenity will go up. It’s what we want, and it’s how life works. In contrast, failure to follow that path puts the opposite effect into motion. And that fast and bumpy ride rarely ends well.
So, let’s put it to practice. What frustrates you? Worries you? Angers you? How much capacity to control those situations, conditions, and people do you really have? Influence? Maybe a bit, but control? Come on now. Are you ready to let this reality help you flee frustration and seek serenity? Are you willing to let loose the illusion of control. Are you able to accept responsibility for how you react to what you cannot control?
If you are, this famous and famously effective prayer from nearly a hundred years ago might be a good place to start. You will recognize it as “The Serenity Prayer.”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to his will; That I may be reasonable happy in this life and supremely happy with him forever in the next.
Amen.
